I Found the Cure to Obsessive Collecting

[LChinoz]

Okay, in a way to kind of close this thread out, I just want to thank everyone for their input. It has made me realize the type of person I am, and the type of person I want to be. I would never change who I am for anyone, and yes I am sensitive, and yes I love companionship. However, until it happens no one can truly understand the feeling of losing your girlfriend when you never really were together anyway. I am 25, and 25 is too young to be in a relationship where there is no romantic or sexual chemistry. That being said, to spite all the naysayers, she is my best friend and an important part of my life. To know why would mean you have to be in our shoes, but I understand now what it means to love someone truly who is not your lover or family member. I know in a normal situation being alone would be best right now, but we are not a normal situation. The transition from being bf/gf to best friends is basically nil. We live as we did, just with a clearer understanding of what that is. My ego is still bruised, and I still feel sadness, but being with her (as my friend) actually helps me. I know she doesn't want to be with me romantically, and honestly I do not want to be with her romantically either, I will just miss having a gf. It will definitely take some adjusting but with her leaving in two months I want to spend a lot of time with her, and I think I can do it. It took me a rude awakening to realize that we never had a true relationship beyond being best friends. You don't treat your best friend like you do your bf/gf and this is what I didn't understand. I thought everything was okay, that it was okay to settle. But I know now it is not. There are a lot of feelings inside me right now, sadness, guilt, despair, and joyfulness, and maybe very soon I will understand what it will be like to have a romantic relationship with someone, instead of the pseudo-relationship I have been in for 5 years. I know now comfort is not the only thing needed in a relationship. We were comfortable with each other, spent every moment with each other, which is why we basically decided that was what a relationship was all about. But obviously it's not. There needs to be passion in a relationship, and passion is something we have never had. She is my best friend and yes, my first love, and I will enjoy my life with her as that. I would like everyone to understand that I am thankful to have her in my life. I am also ready to move on. This thread can be locked if need be.

 

[Maglor]

I'm glad you're doing as well as you are.

This is a very difficult time that you are going through right now, but it is also a really wonderful time because it is helping you become the man you are and will be. Only you can figure out who that is, and it's experiences like this one that will make it clear for you. That's a beautiful thing, even if it's painful in the short term.

Stay strong. And trust in yourself.

 

[Devil_666]

Don't put words in my mouth please.

I'm not. Do you even read the stuff you post!?

the guy you are describing is the tool that we hate in every romantic comedy ever made.

 

[LChinoz]

Thanks Mag. And to put it frankly, I agreed with everything you said in throughout this thread.

 

[Deckard]

And in reality, not "romantic comedies" Owen Wilson was an emotional wreck who tryed to kill himself, where as Bradley Cooper is now a leading man who I'm sure does pretty well with the ladies.

And Mag, please don't PM me crying about crap, I honestly just don't have room for it in the inbox.

 

[Maglor]

Wow, I thought you were cool Deckard.

Devil, you don't surprise me.

I'm not. Do you even read the stuff you post!?

You show me where I said "acting feminine and weak is attractive" to women and I will eat my words.

 

[LChinoz]

Seriously, just leave it be everyone. Mag is a friend. Not everyone has to be a ____ on the internet. Maybe it's time to shut this thread down.

 

[Maglor]

Fair enough LC. As far as I'm concerned, it's closed...

Unless you want to give updates.

 

[Deckard]

Wow, I thought you were cool Deckard.

You felt the need for the internet equivilent to pulling me aside and saying I hurt your feelings over some minor ball busting dude. Get over it.

 

[Boba Ben]

Wow, I don't know what happened in this thread but I'm sorry that it has led to people getting insulted like this.

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with being a decent guy who respects women and tries to do the right thing by the woman that he cares for.

Lchinoz, I'm sorry for the loss of your romantic relationship with your friend, I know it's hard, but you seem to be taking a mature stance about it. You're absolutely right that no one here knows her, and most, if not all don't really know you either. None of us can understand your relationship with this person because we're not experiencing it ourselves. I hope for the best for you and that you know that by continuing to be a decent person in life, you will find the happiness you deserve.

 

[SnakeDoctor]

Thank you.

I was beginning to think I was the only one with this thought process.

We live in a society where we are programed to believe that if a relationship is not working perfectly that the answer is to find someone else, and pronto. But the fact is that, once we are past the "stars in your eyes" phase, we will just be in the same boat again, in relationship after relationship. There is a reason that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. There is a reason that many men (and women) have a hard time committing.

For any romance to last it takes work. I don't care how perfectly matched you are. If you are unwilling to do that work, then you don't deserve a long term relationship in my opinion.

And no, that doesn't make me "ghey".

There appear a lot of jaded individuals on this site. I've been married for 8-years, and dated my wife for about 5-years before that -- wouldn't change it for the world. Sometimes asking for relationship advice around here is like asking for financial advice from broke people.

Don't put words in my mouth please.

No man should be weak, and I would never recommend that. I just don't buy into the "tough guy" routine.

A man who is unwilling to show emotion because of fear of appearing weak is the weak one.

I'm actually split here. I'd agree with you in principle ... but, once the break-up is done and gone, I see nothing wrong with trying to take a position of strength (i.e. take control of the situation). She broke up with him ... but that doesn't mean the break up has to be on her terms. If the relationship is over, there's nothing wrong with a "tough guy" routine to seize the self-respect and move on.

That being said ... the "tough guy" routine is always easier to suggest from the outside than it is to pull off. LC -- good luck to you. I hope all turns out well.

SnakeDoc

 

[Deckard]

And honestly Mag, did you even read my posts, I said there is nothing wrong with showing emotion, but the relationship is over, he got dumped.

Calling her every night to tell her what an emotional wreck he is, is giving her more reason to think shes some kind of goddess, and what if she needs someone to talk to, hes not there for her. So she's that much more likely to seek out a guy who is, and even more likely to avoid emotional guys in the future so as not to go through this again.

Even if all that guilt trips her into somehow being with him again, its because she feels sorry for him. Great. I told him not to just go out and start dating or ____ing girls, he's clearly not ready, so I don't understand your sentiments at all that were somehow "damaged" or "bitter".

 

[LChinoz]

Wow, I don't know what happened in this thread but I'm sorry that it has led to people getting insulted like this.

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with being a decent guy who respects women and tries to do the right thing by the woman that he cares for.

Lchinoz, I'm sorry for the loss of your romantic relationship with your friend, I know it's hard, but you seem to be taking a mature stance about it. You're absolutely right that no one here knows her, and most, if not all don't really know you either. None of us can understand your relationship with this person because we're not experiencing it ourselves. I hope for the best for you and that you know that by continuing to be a decent person in life, you will find the happiness you deserve.

Thank you so much bro. And like I said, thanks to all the Freaks who helped me out.

I'm actually split here. I'd agree with you in principle ... but, once the break-up is done and gone, I see nothing wrong with trying to take a position of strength (i.e. take control of the situation). She broke up with him ... but that doesn't mean the break up has to be on her terms. If the relationship is over, there's nothing wrong with a "tough guy" routine to seize the self-respect and move on.

That being said ... the "tough guy" routine is always easier to suggest from the outside than it is to pull off. LC -- good luck to you. I hope all turns out well.

SnakeDoc

Again, thanks bro.

I appreciate everyone's advice. This is a crappy time for the both of us, as she is constantly being judged and ripped apart by her coworkers, first for ending it, then for thinking we could be friends. Life is complicated, and I have faith things will work out for the better.

 

[LChinoz]

And honestly Mag, did you even read my posts, I said there is nothing wrong with showing emotion, but the relationship is over, he got dumped.

Calling her every night to tell her what an emotional wreck he is, is giving her more reason to think shes some kind of goddess, and what if she needs someone to talk to, hes not there for her. So she's that much more likely to seek out a guy who is, and even more likely to avoid emotional guys in the future so as not to go through this again.

Even if all that guilt trips her into somehow being with him again, its because she feels sorry for him. Great.

I don't make her think she is a goddess, in fact, we both realize we're not each others' type. I had a panic attack last night and basically broke down saying that I loved her so much, groveled and everything, but after coming back down to earth I realized she was right about everything. It would not be fair to either of us for me to pretend I still have romantic feelings for her when I don't, and haven't for some time.

 

[Maglor]

I'm actually split here. I'd agree with you in principle ... but, once the break-up is done and gone, I see nothing wrong with trying to take a position of strength (i.e. take control of the situation). She broke up with him ... but that doesn't mean the break up has to be on her terms. If the relationship is over, there's nothing wrong with a "tough guy" routine to seize the self-respect and move on.

That being said ... the "tough guy" routine is always easier to suggest from the outside than it is to pull off. LC -- good luck to you. I hope all turns out well.

SnakeDoc

A fair point. But as he has said, his situation is unique. He wants to keep a best friend while breaking of the romance. That can't be easy.

If one wants to stay friends with someone they can't be treating them like a jerk. On the other hand, if the romance is over, sleeping in the same bed should be out imo. So yes, he needs to take control of the situation and be strong (which is quite different than the "tough guy" routine) but he needs to do it carefully.







...wait... did I say I was done in this thread?


...

 

[Bannister]

I've lost that loving feeling.

Once again this thread disappoints me greatly. How could no one have posted this yet:
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[EXOTICLEX]

25 is way too young to be so sad. Too many fish in the sea. In the words of Commander Metcalf. "You gotta let her go."

 

[EXOTICLEX]

Once again this thread disappoints me greatly. How could no one have posted this yet:
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Right, puberty.

 

[LChinoz]

Every time I think of that song and the movie I can't help but think of the re-cut brokeback Top Gun trailer...

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[SnakeDoctor]

Honestly ... I just keep returning to the thread for the repeated pictures of Marylin Monroe without a top.

Hoorah.

SnakeDoc