the girl I loved has gender and sexual issues, is it worth it or a lost cause?

[Batfreak]

Okay here's the story there's a girl that I was seeing we are no longer together but I still have feelings for her but I'm trying very hard to understand her. I met her almost 2 years ago online and she seemed like a very nice and interesting girl very artistic great painter and also was in a band and a performer for an entertainment company. So basically she is the artsy type. Seven months into the relationship she started becoming withdrawn and then I found out and she opened up to me that she is possibly a transgender as well as being bisexual. Needless to say I was crushed. She started seeing this girl that she had dated while she was in the closet a few years before and started seeing her again. Her parents especially her mother is devastated by all of this wanting to be a man. She started wearing breast binders cutting her hair short and basically looking like a dude no make up or anything. She's also pretty irresponsible financially and lived in an apartment and she was always getting handouts from her parents because she was never making enough. I started seeing her again a couple of months ago when she lost her job and had to move out of her apartment to live with her parents again which she hated and I was there for her and help her with the move because nobody else was around. We tried going out again for a little bit but it seemed that everything was about her she never really asked to much about me. Her mother really wanted us to be together I guess she saw me as the only man who could save her daughter from being gay or something. I went out of my way for her and did so much for her and loved her so much but sexually she didn't seem to want me inside of her and she dressed like a boy in bed which turned me off but I went along with it because I want to make her happy. I want to have a family but is she a lost cause not?

 

[Deckard]

She's not interested.

It's weird. (unless you want to be with a man)

She won't be happy anytime soon and neither will you.

She doesn't know who she is. Not even close to someone you want around, let alone raising a child.

 

[Batfreak]

Yeah that's what my family was trying to tell me as well but I told her that I would except her the way she is if she felt that way that I loved her enough I was willing to except her the way she is now even if she does want to kind of look like a dude. She says she's pansexual which I think is kind of like bisexual but then she broke up with me after just a couple months saying that she needs to take the therapy and find herself but I think her feelings also changed towards me as well. I don't know I think she would rather be with women then men I'm not sure no one seems to know what's going on inside her head and I've been trying to figure it out and I want to have hope that maybe she'll change her mind but I don't know what to think.

The sad part is that me and her had so much in common we love to do cause play together we were both performers as you can see in my picture as Batman ha ha and we both like a lot of the same things. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never find another girl like her that I have so much in common with. She seem to be the only one that understood me and I understood her and yet despite all this she still didn't want to be with me and I just wish I had more answers or that there could possibly be some hope that she may see the light one day.

 

[Deckard]

I'm going to be brutally honest because I think you need to hear it.

You're story is so bad it almost sounds like a joke. Like there's no way anyone could be as crazy as you and still be sticking around with her. I'm not saying this to **** all over you while you're hurting, but you need to know what it honestly looks like from the outside perspective. It's like an SNL sketch about a guy that's completely oblivous and way too nice. You need a wake up call and family usually aren't going to say these things, so I will. Get out. Get away from her. You'll be happier, faster. As opposed to, maybe, never again.

You're way too nice. Way too nice. It's not a bad trait but you're going to hurt yourself with the level of trust you're extending to someone who isn't giving it back. She's telling you outright that she doesn't want to be with you. That she doesn't know who she is. That is clearly a person not ready for the responsibility of other people's feelings. If both of you are unhappy, there is nothing there to build on. It's not going to hurt her like you think it is. It won't hurt you anymore than it already is.

Even if you have no other options atm, I promise, you can do better. You're only delaying your own happiness.

 

[Solidus]

Deckard summed it up well. She sounds immensely unstable, to say the least. Just cut you loses and move on, you'll thank yourself in the long run.

 

[Uncanny Web-Slinger]

Okay here's the story there's a girl that I was seeing we are no longer together but I still have feelings for her but I'm trying very hard to understand her. I met her almost 2 years ago online and she seemed like a very nice and interesting girl very artistic great painter and also was in a band and a performer for an entertainment company. So basically she is the artsy type. Seven months into the relationship she started becoming withdrawn and then I found out and she opened up to me that she is possibly a transgender as well as being bisexual. Needless to say I was crushed. She started seeing this girl that she had dated while she was in the closet a few years before and started seeing her again. Her parents especially her mother is devastated by all of this wanting to be a man. She started wearing breast binders cutting her hair short and basically looking like a dude no make up or anything. She's also pretty irresponsible financially and lived in an apartment and she was always getting handouts from her parents because she was never making enough. I started seeing her again a couple of months ago when she lost her job and had to move out of her apartment to live with her parents again which she hated and I was there for her and help her with the move because nobody else was around. We tried going out again for a little bit but it seemed that everything was about her she never really asked to much about me. Her mother really wanted us to be together I guess she saw me as the only man who could save her daughter from being gay or something. I went out of my way for her and did so much for her and loved her so much but sexually she didn't seem to want me inside of her and she dressed like a boy in bed which turned me off but I went along with it because I want to make her happy. I want to have a family but is she a lost cause not?

That sucks man, for both of you. Imo I'd say be a friend if possible to support her if you can but it seems she wants to be a man and see a woman and you don't fit into that category

 

[Solidus]

Support her? Why should that be his responsibility? He described a grown woman, capable of making her own mistakes, while using him as nothing more than an emotional anchor as she deals with her head issues. That's a toxic relationship, right there.

 

[a-dev]

Easy for us to say but Deckard is probably right. This is too complicated. You should get out of this one.

 

[Henry Morgan*]

I'm going to be brutally honest because I think you need to hear it.

You're story is so bad it almost sounds like a joke. Like there's no way anyone could be as crazy as you and still be sticking around with her. I'm not saying this to **** all over you while you're hurting, but you need to know what it honestly looks like from the outside perspective. It's like an SNL sketch about a guy that's completely oblivous and way too nice. You need a wake up call and family usually aren't going to say these things, so I will. Get out. Get away from her. You'll be happier, faster. As opposed to, maybe, never again.

You're way too nice. Way too nice. It's not a bad trait but you're going to hurt yourself with the level of trust you're extending to someone who isn't giving it back. She's telling you outright that she doesn't want to be with you. That she doesn't know who she is. That is clearly a person not ready for the responsibility of other people's feelings. If both of you are unhappy, there is nothing there to build on. It's not going to hurt her like you think it is. It won't hurt you anymore than it already is.

Even if you have no other options atm, I promise, you can do better. You're only delaying your own happiness.

Batfreak, you can't keep people like that around you, this is the kind of thing that can ruin YOUR life. Even if there were only 100 women in the world I guarantee you can do much better than this

 

[Star Puffs]

Unless you're genuinely bisexual, it just can't work. Being a friend will mean respecting her (soon to be his) gender identity. There are plenty of tom boyish women who are open to relationships with guys and have normal gender identities, if that is what attracts you. I'd concerntrate on being a supportive friend, which is what people in this situation need most, especially if the family is freaking out.

I disagree with the notion you are being 'too nice.' You are being tolerant and flexible which are good things in the long run in any sort of relationship, let alone just being a good person.

 

[Deckard]

One last thought. Crazy doesn't go away.

My friend dated a girl who all the sudden, decided she was a neo-nazi. Like, shaved her head and everything. Now she's a part of the church instead and equally insane about Jesus coming back very soon. I mean she sets a plate for him every night.

So just a thought, but even if she gets past the gender confusion, she could still have mental issues that she redirects at other things.

 

[Karnis]

Marry her and then kill yourself.

That'll teach her.

 

[pixletwin]

Deckard summed it up well. She sounds immensely unstable, to say the least. Just cut you loses and move on, you'll thank yourself in the long run.

This. I hope things turn out for the best for all involved.

 

[DiFabio]

Let her become a man then you become a woman. Start a family and live happily ever after.

Actually, you might want to start a family first before either party changes their equipment.

 

[Sweet Rabbit]

Sounds like a mess I'd rather avoid

 

[Lejuan]

You're in a bad place if you can write all of that and not know the answer to your question. Deep down at least, you must know it. This person is a lost cause as far as a positive relationship goes. Unless you have a Mother Theresa complex, run a mile.

 

[Batfreak]

"I disagree with the notion you are being 'too nice.' You are being tolerant and flexible which are good things in the long run in any sort of relationship, let alone just being a good person."


This is what I thought too that I was not only excepting her for who she is which let's face it I don't think many men or women gay or not are going to except someone like her with her condition. At least I don't think so but she does have bipolar or what her mother called cycling bipolar and her emotions are constantly up-and-down and her feelings change on a dime which has been very hard because this girl is very hard to read. She tends to shut down when things get hard instead of dealing with the problem. And she has absolutely terrible communication skills

 

[fosing]

i think most of the bad news has been said already....

the only good thing about this is...

he/she is open to buttsex.

 

[Royce12]

I think you already know that you need to leave. It's a hard thing to do but you will both be better for it. Hey.. It's not going to work out anyways to be honest.


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[toylion]

“The Heart wants what it wants - or else it does not care”
― Emily Dickinson

You're thinking with your emotions. You have to use logic. Which I believe you did when you typed the question.