A SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person: The Story of Kyrr Geron the Mandalorian

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Take your time don't rush it. Write it, leave it awhile, reread it, do some editing. Your writing is good enough as it is, but I'd give it a little time, give it a little polish and it can be better.

Oh trust me, I'm not good with editing... If I don't say to myself "ok, I'm done now!" I'll sit there and keep editing the same 8pages over and over for months until I lose interest and move on to a different project. If I really take my time on this sort of thing, it won't ever be finished!

I'm still working on Chapter 2... I may or may not be able to finish tonight, and believe me I'm not exactly "rushing" things... I'm taking my time on it a little, and I might be able to finish in about an hour or so. If I don't happen to be finished by then, I'll have to pick it up again tomorrow morning (about 10 hours from now for me)... we'll see.


Oh yes, and I thought I'd at least reveal what this part is called.

Chapter 2: A Visit

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Months of editing does sound pretty dreadful.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Months of editing does sound pretty dreadful.

I'm a perfectionist, if I look at something long enough I'll realize "it doesn't sound good" or "it doesn't make sense to the story" and I'll cut parts out, leaving gaping holes that I try to fill, but later end up realizing "sound kinda stupid" or something. Then after a while I think, "you know what, this whole plot was a bad idea in the first place!" then I leave it alone forever, and I never go back to it.

It's terrible. I swear, perfectionism should be classified as a mental illness.

anyway, back to writing for me! I'll have no chance of finishing in time if I'm not even writing...

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Sorry, didn't quite make it in time... I'll finish up in the morning, almost done with it now... Needs maybe 20 more minutes of writing and re-formatting (to post here), and it'll be done. I haven't had a chance to read it all the way through so far yet, so it may need some editing... And also it seems a little short, almost as short as Part 1 (which is now some sort of prologue)

in 9-10 hours I should have it posted!

 

[BottleRocket]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

It's terrible. I swear, perfectionism should be classified as a mental illness.

It already is classified as a mental illness. It's called Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). Believe me, I speak from experience.

We're in good company though. Why do you think George Lucas keeps going back and adding or editing scenes from the OT?? Oh yeah I forgot...it's so suckers like me will keep buying updated versions of the same movies over and over and over again!! Actually now that I think about it, that SOB is taking advantage of my condition.

No worries though, it's what makes us who we are. Who would really want to be someone who does things sloppy and/or half-heartedly anyway??

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Beat me to it.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

good point, BR.

Well, I'm just about finished, just going back and making it a little longer... maybe 15 more minutes or so....

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

well, it's a little late, but here it is!

Chapter 2: A Visit

____Kyrr Geron was a little boy again, in his old home. His father was speaking to him. He was reliving a moment from the past.

____“Alright son, are you packed up for your trip?”

____“Yeah, I think so. When are we coming back?”

____“Just a few months from now. We’re gonna have a great time, okay?”

____“Where are we gonna go on this trip Dad?”

____“Oh, just for a cruise in space. But it’ll be lots of fun, just you and me and a few other people who are gonna help me run the ship. We’ll get to spend lots of time together!”

____“When are we leaving?”

____“Right now, Kyrr. My boss says so. Come on now, we have to get in the airspeeder and fly to the spaceport, wouldn’t want my cruise ship to leave without us!”

Kyrr felt panicked. All of a sudden he was a full-grown man, and he tried to warn his father of what would happen.

____“Wait Dad, if we go on this cruise the cruise ship will crash, and you’ll… you’ll get hurt! And I’ll never see you again!”

____“I know son, but that’s the way it happened. It was meant to be this way.”

His father and his home faded away and all of a sudden he was falling, falling, falling helplessly into a black abyss.




____Kyrr Geron's eyes snapped open. His vision was slightly blurred, and his cheek felt... cold. He sat up in bed and buried his head in his hands, contemplating his dream.

____“It was meant to be this way.”

____He took a deep breath and looked over at the blue-glowing screen of the chronometer hanging on the wall in his dark apartment. It was still one and a half standard hours before sunrise on Coruscant. He changed into more decent clothing, strapped on his blaster-pistol, walked over to the panel on the wall next to his bed, and touched a button on it. In an instant, his entire apartment lit up with bright white light, which had no apparent source; there were few shadows.

____Kyrr’s apartment walls were painted a stark white, with polished durasteel flooring. Across from his bed were two doors; the one on the left lead out into the hallway of the apartment complex, while the one on the right lead into the small storage closet in which Kyrr stored his armor and equipment. The room in which he slept was around eighteen by twenty-five feet in size, and several feet away from his bed were two four-foot long windows that, at a touch of a button, could open or close their long, horizontal shutters in a split second; they could let in light from outside, or block it out entirely. The bed itself was essentially a part of the floor. It was pretty much a foot-tall rectangle made of durasteel with a stiff, black mattress on top of it without blankets or pillows.

____In front of the two windows was a shiny black table, with an expensive-looking, leather-upholstered chair on either side of it. This was where Kyrr would talk to his clients in person, when the occasion called for it. He walked over to the table and wiped two fingers across its reflective surface. He rubbed his thumb and forefinger together, feeling the grit and studying the line that he had left in the thin film of dust. He sighed, and picked up his datapad, which he kept on the table. He switched it on and scrolled through the local bounties that had been posted recently. He found that there wasn’t a single one over 900 credits, and he cursed silently to himself. While he was reading the list, two of the posted bounties actually disappeared, having already been claimed by some other bounty hunter.

____Great. Now the highest one is 600 credits.

____He sighed again and put his datapad back on the table. He turned away as if to leave his apartment, but when he got to the door he stopped.

____I didn’t check the non-local bounties.

____He went back and picked his datapad up again, and checked to see if there were any off-world bounties posted on the data-base that he was connected to. There were two. He saw that one of them was set at 18,000 credits.

____I don’t have a ship anyway. Perhaps I can find a client or two in the underlevels today.

____He returned to the door, and, once again, he hesitated. He heard several sets of running footsteps outside his door. Then he heard a clinking sound against his door, and then a beeping noise that continued to increase in rapidity. Kyrr's eyes opened wide.

____Realizing what was happening, he turned to his closet and opened the door. Just at that moment, there was a deafening blast and the sound of tearing metal, accompanied by a small fireball. Kyrr dove into his storage room, avoiding the explosion for the most part. He pressed a button on a panel inside, shutting the door behind him. He instinctively put on his dark red Mandalorian armor at a speed that could only be achieved through a lifetime of practice, preparing to face whatever had blown his front door down. His grey and crimson helmet tucked under one arm, he grabbed two of the many blaster rifles he owned off the rack on the wall, slinging one over his back for later use. He put on his helmet and took a Merr-Sonn Munitions V-1 thermal detonator from a high shelf with his left hand while he held the rifle in his right hand. He could hear activity on the other side of the closet door. Then he heard two muffled words that sent his heart racing.

____“Get clear!”

____He backed up against the wall as far away from the door as he could get, which was unfortunately only a few feet away, and braced himself. There was another loud explosion, and his closet door ceased to exist, but Kyrr’s armor absorbed the shockwave that reached him, leaving him unharmed. He edged over, activated his thermal detonator, and tossed it through the threshold. When he heard it go off, he swung around into what was left of his apartment. What he saw startled him; there was another black, T-shaped visor staring back into his own.

____That explains the Concord Dawn accent.

____The clone trooper raised his blaster rifle, still a little dazed from the unexpected explosion, but Kyrr was fully alert and already had his rifle trained on the clone. He let loose a volley of rounds, most of which hit the clone trooper full in the face, burning away much of the front of his helmet and revealing a glimpse of the face of Jango Fett. He fell over, dead.

____Kyrr looked around. In an instant, he saw that his grenade had taken out six of the nine clone shocktroopers in the squad, and his blaster had eliminated a seventh. There was one on either side of him. They slowly approached him, blaster rifles raised.
One of them shouted,"Drop you weapons and surrender, now!"

____I'm not gonna let these guys push me around so easy.

____Kyrr slowly knelt down, as if placing his weapon on the floor. He put his rifle on the ground, and took his left hand off the grip. Then his back leg shot out and tripped the trooper behind him, and, lifting his rifle with one hand, he shot the one in front of him once in the knee. In a flash he had the rifle braced against his shoulder with his left hand supporting it, and he gunned down the trooper in front of him. As the trooper behind him was getting up, he slid across the floor. He came to a stop a couple of feet away, and lying on his side, using the bodies of two other dead clone troopers as cover, Kyrr let loose a spray of plasma at the last remaining shocktrooper just as the clone had taken aim and fired twice. One of the blue blaster bolts hit the durasteel flooring behind Kyrr, the other hitting one of the bodies that was in front of him. With all the clones dead, Kyrr stood up.

____Then he remembered that he had heard that when they were arresting someone dangerous, the shocktroopers always had a support squad standing by. He went back into the storage room, looking for any more usable equipment. He was able to salvage two more thermal detonators, which he hung from the right side of his belt. There was a Merr-Sonn 1126-series rocket that he could launch from his left gauntlet, and he found some extra power packs for his blasters that he could use. But the majority of his remaining weapons lay mangled and bent on the floor, collateral damage from the powerful blast that had ripped through the reinforced durasteel plating of the closet door. Forunately, his blaster pistol had been on his hip when the heavy explosives destroyed the rest of his arsenal, and he had been mostly out of the way of its destructive power.

____He walked cautiously into the hall, checking all possible points for any more clone troopers. When he had made sure that that the hall was clear, he took one last look back at his ruined home. His mattress had been burnt away, along with the expensive leather upholstery on his chairs. His table had been knocked over and was peppered with shrapnel, and his datapad lay on the ground next to it, its screen cracked. There was a large, crater-like dent in the floor where the thermal detonator had exploded, the metal shutters on the windows were bent outward, and some had been propelled through the transparisteel windows. The nine bodies of the dead clones were strewn about the area in front of his closet, and the entire room was covered with a grey residue from all the smoke.

____Nice of them to visit. They sure do make a big mess for people who are trying to ‘clean up’ the upper levels.

____He walked down the hall, making his way toward the elevator.

<- PREVIOUS CHAPTER

NEXT CHAPTER ->

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

OK so any comments on Chapter 2?

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Eh, I believe your previous two were better. The dream intro was confusing. I think you should have started off with a slight description and not just dialogue. Also, the second to the last piece of dialogue has me confused. If they leave what ship? Why will it crash?

I also didn't care for the way Kyrr was lucky enough to escape unscathed. It didn't seem natural. I'm also curious as to why you chose to have nine troopers come for him only to have eight go down to a thermal detonator. Is there something in (EU) canon that would explain the nine troopers?

As for the parts I really liked... I liked the way you mention how quickly he put on his armor, I think it shows that he's used to being in tight situations that he may not have been prepared for. The starkness of his apartment fits really well for him. I can see him being not just a minimilist but taking it to an extremem level. It makes sense for a nomadic society, but I suspect for Kyrr its even more than that.

Overall the rest was entertaining and enjoyable, although it definitely needs more editing. Maybe you could try limiting yourself to two or three read through and edits to prevent it from being a several month process?

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Eh, I believe your previous two were better. The dream intro was confusing. I think you should have started off with a slight description and not just dialogue. Also, the second to the last piece of dialogue has me confused. If they leave what ship? Why will it crash?

I also didn't care for the way Kyrr was lucky enough to escape unscathed. It didn't seem natural. I'm also curious as to why you chose to have nine troopers come for him only to have eight go down to a thermal detonator. Is there something in (EU) canon that would explain the nine troopers?

As for the parts I really liked... I liked the way you mention how quickly he put on his armor, I think it shows that he's used to being in tight situations that he may not have been prepared for. The starkness of his apartment fits really well for him. I can see him being not just a minimilist but taking it to an extremem level. It makes sense for a nomadic society, but I suspect for Kyrr its even more than that.

Overall the rest was entertaining and enjoyable, although it definitely needs more editing. Maybe you could try limiting yourself to two or three read through and edits to prevent it from being a several month process?

The dream is supposed to be confusing, I can't just tell you what happened to Kyrr's father can I? The first few lines of dialogue is Kyrr reliving that moment in time when he was speaking with his father, the last 2 lines never happened in real life for him, he's just wishing he could go back and change things. I suppose I could've at least explained the significance of the dream, even if I didn't make it entirely clear...


The dream will make sense later, trust me!

As for the clone troopers, it's always 9 clones to a squad. Read that in SW insider once I think... it's on wikipedia...

I suppose it's a little silly to only have one survive the thermal det...I'll probably add another survivor or two...but the Merr-Sonn V-1 is canonically military-grade, and designed to maximize casualties... it's more powerful than the standard thermal detonator...


as for Kyrr escaping unscathed, perhaps it's not natural!
(don't worry, he's not gonna end up a Jedi or anything like that... perhaps he just has slightly supernatural instincts)

perhaps that will complicate the character a little too much, I may have to go back and "scathe" him now...

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Yeah I figured the dream was a little foreshadowing, and therefore supposed to be confusing. The problem I had is that it didn't seem to make sense given that context. I think a simple line to indicate the lines in question never occured would take care of it. Generally you just don't want someone to have to read something a few times and try to figure it out on their own to keep up with what is going on.

I think just reworking the way it goes down will be fine. He can escape without being injured without it being unlikely, Han Luke and Leia do it all the time. I would definitely give him that extra little bit if that is what you want.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Yeah I figured the dream was a little foreshadowing, and therefore supposed to be confusing. The problem I had is that it didn't seem to make sense given that context. I think a simple line to indicate the lines in question never occured would take care of it. Generally you just don't want someone to have to read something a few times and try to figure it out on their own to keep up with what is going on.

I think just reworking the way it goes down will be fine. He can escape without being injured without it being unlikely, Han Luke and Leia do it all the time. I would definitely give him that extra little bit if that is what you want.

I'm gonna go back and make the edits I mentioned in my last post pretty soon, so I'll make the dream scene make a little more sense...

If by the "extra little bit" you meant his supernatural sense of danger, I think that'll complicate the character too much. I might as well give him laser vision too!

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Well...he could always use the laser vision to take out one of the troopers.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Well...he could always use the laser vision to take out one of the troopers.

No, his retractable metal claws and spider-web launcher would be more effective for that...

I'll make those edits later tonight...

OH yes, and I finally put up the 1/6 Kyrr Geron thread today.

but you guys probably already saw that...

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

I missed it. I just quickly skim through thread titles so its not uncommon. I'll go back and check it out.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Just a quick update, edited Chapter 2, hopefully it's much better now!


EDIT:

Anyone else have any comments on this fan fic so far? What do you guys think of Chapter 2?

Come one, Agent0028 can't do all the.. uh, well feedbacking I guess...

BottleRocket? Bidufarewell?

EDIT 2:

Still waiting for more comments... anyone? Please?

 

[BHD2]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Pretty awesome start there DP. Fan Fic's always seem more personal to the storyline of Star Wars then randoms trying their hand at it. For example, Death Troopers which I won't even get started on. Looks like it is shaping up to be a pretty fun and exciting read. Now I'm really looking forward to the 1/6th version your working on.

On a side note I happened to be listening to Bad Company by Five Finger Death Punch while reading it, almost par-ed up nicely with your character of Kyrr Geron.

 

[Vivisect]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

I finally remembered to finish reading it, I got interrupted the other day when I started reading it but something interrupted me, I think it was my cats fighting and me chasing them down with a squirt bottle. Anyhow I got to read all three parts at once and I quite enjoyed it, you should definitely keep at it.

On a side note I happened to be listening to Bad Company by Five Finger Death Punch while reading it, almost par-ed up nicely with your character of Kyrr Geron.

That is a pretty bad ass cover of that song. Not a band I would usually listen to but they are not bad at all, I am usually more of an old school death metal guy.

I had an Austrian Death Machine Album on random while reading it and when I was reading the third part a bit before he jumps in the closet "Get to the Chopper" started, while there are no helicopters in Star Wars, had it been "Get to the Speeder" some of the lyrics are almost perfect(I'm gonna shoot you in the face, your not gonna get back up).

<object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/tPIO86jTrQQ"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="https://www.youtube.com/v/tPIO86jTrQQ" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object>

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Pretty awesome start there DP. Fan Fic's always seem more personal to the storyline of Star Wars then randoms trying their hand at it. For example, Death Troopers which I won't even get started on. Looks like it is shaping up to be a pretty fun and exciting read. Now I'm really looking forward to the 1/6th version your working on.

On a side note I happened to be listening to Bad Company by Five Finger Death Punch while reading it, almost par-ed up nicely with your character of Kyrr Geron.

I finally remembered to finish reading it, I got interrupted the other day when I started reading it but something interrupted me, I think it was my cats fighting and me chasing them down with a squirt bottle. Anyhow I got to read all three parts at once and I quite enjoyed it, you should definitely keep at it.





That is a pretty bad ass cover of that song. Not a band I would usually listen to but they are not bad at all, I am usually more of an old school death metal guy.

I had an Austrian Death Machine Album on random while reading it and when I was reading the third part a bit before he jumps in the closet "Get to the Chopper" started, while there are no helicopters in Star Wars, had it been "Get to the Speeder" some of the lyrics are almost perfect(I'm gonna shoot you in the face, your not gonna get back up).

<object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/tPIO86jTrQQ"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="https://www.youtube.com/v/tPIO86jTrQQ" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object>

I'm glad you guys like it so far, should have Chapter 3 up by this weekend!

So this story goes nicely with badass music? Well that's... good... I suppose...

you guys have seen the start of the 1/6 figure, but you haven't heard the real themesong yet! I'm just kidding I didn't make a themesong.... not yet anyway...