A SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person: The Story of Kyrr Geron the Mandalorian

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

I liked the character and the story.

I felt a bit of a noir atmosphere to it, which I really enjoyed.

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!

that's got to have been the best comment I've gotten yet.

I'm glad you like it, I'll have more on the way by this weekend... I'll be slowly revealing pieces of Kyrr Geron's past from time to time, and you guys (the readers) will sort of have to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. Also, I'll start picking up the pace of the action, and there will be more of a "bigger picture" in subsequent chapters, as in more important stuff will happen. I've decided that this story will be seen only from Kyrr's point of view, unlike real SW novels (and the movies) which have several sub-plots that they cut to back and forth... I mean like in ROTS, they switch back and forth between Anakin vs Obi-wan and Yoda vs Sidious, and stuff like that...I figure non-star wars novels get by without multiple subplots to follow just fine.

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

I doubt he read it. I think he's just giving you a hard time.

Pretty good. I liked the way you talked about the stormtroopers, and the struggle between the Nikto and Kyrr was good. I really liked your explanation of why business is slow. It sets the stage for the way things are going in the core.

A few suggestions if I may... The description of how he hid the airspeeder is a little overdone. I would talk about him hiding it with the junk, and mention that its rusted up to help the illusion. Save the explanation of why a fusion cutter is needed when he sees the Nikto using it.

Also, when Kyrr found the astromech's dome I think he would have recognized it immediately. Maybe you were using the delay to show that his skills are slipping, but I personally think he would be more cognizant of the junk he used and recognize it immediately. I would even go so far as to say he may know the exact what the junk was arranged so he could recognize if it had been disturbed in his absence.

Finally, I didn't care for Kyrr's realization that the Nikto didn't have to die. I think it came too soon afterwards. If it was truly the beer, I think it would be better if he felt guilty later, after he started to sober a little. I also got the feeling he may have only been blaming it on the beer when you may have something bigger in store. If that's the case I would make his guilt come sooner, but not immediately afterwards. While he was in the speeder would be a good place imo.

Hope these reactions are helpful. Don't take the length of the suggestions seriously, its just there isn't a whole lot to say when something looks good and I don't like to just say I didn't care for a part without giving a reason and suggestions.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

I doubt he read it. I think he's just giving you a hard time.

Pretty good. I liked the way you talked about the stormtroopers, and the struggle between the Nikto and Kyrr was good. I really liked your explanation of why business is slow. It sets the stage for the way things are going in the core.

A few suggestions if I may... The description of how he hid the airspeeder is a little overdone. I would talk about him hiding it with the junk, and mention that its rusted up to help the illusion. Save the explanation of why a fusion cutter is needed when he sees the Nikto using it.

Also, when Kyrr found the astromech's dome I think he would have recognized it immediately. Maybe you were using the delay to show that his skills are slipping, but I personally think he would be more cognizant of the junk he used and recognize it immediately. I would even go so far as to say he may know the exact what the junk was arranged so he could recognize if it had been disturbed in his absence.

Finally, I didn't care for Kyrr's realization that the Nikto didn't have to die. I think it came too soon afterwards. If it was truly the beer, I think it would be better if he felt guilty later, after he started to sober a little. I also got the feeling he may have only been blaming it on the beer when you may have something bigger in store. If that's the case I would make his guilt come sooner, but not immediately afterwards. While he was in the speeder would be a good place imo.

Hope these reactions are helpful. Don't take the length of the suggestions seriously, its just there isn't a whole lot to say when something looks good and I don't like to just say I didn't care for a part without giving a reason and suggestions.

Yeah, I agree with you on what you're saying.... the speeder thing, going back over it, did seem like too much... but I included the bit about a fusion cutter because I wanted to show that it was extremely unlikely that anyone would be able to damage his airspeeder, and it couldn't be done with anything short of a fusion cutter. I was trying to illustrate Kyrr's bad luck by showing that every precaution he took was bypassed.

And I did mess it up a bit at the end, the whole beer thing and the guilt, and the unnecessary killing of the Nikto. I was actually struggling with the whole nice guy/badass thing for Kyrr, I researched Mandalorians a lot and I didn't know whether or not, as a Mandalorian, he would feel any remorse for killing people when he didn't get paid for it. The answers I got were pretty confusing.

As for the droid dome thing, he sort of piled a bunch of junk on top in a hurry, and with so many different pieces, he may not have consciously remembered every one, especially not when he thought his speeder was absolutely safe anyway.


Thanks very much for your constructive criticism!

I will probably go back and edit Chapter 1 later on or something.

EDIT:

With the beer, I accidentally made it negate itself. The beer wasn't supposed to be what made him go after the Nikto, although it was supposed to be the reason he was feeling guilty for killing people.... I switched it around a lot, and it made sense when I read through it real quick. I'll have to fix that part.


EDIT 2:

Ok, I think I've managed to fix it up a little!

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

I like your point about the bad luck, I picked up on that in the story, it wasn't so much the inclusion of the explanation of a fusion cutter being needed as the placement. But that's a really minor point so if you are happy with it the way it is don't change it for anybody. Well unless its someone paying you...

I think your personal struggle with the nice guy/badass thing for Kyrr could be an interesting characterization. Your struggle can be his struggle. And I especially think it fits since you mentioned Death Watch. I'm not very familiar with the sect, but I recognize its name fro Traviss' Commando series.

As for the beer and guilt and everything, its no biggie, edits, changes, and rewrites are a good thing. And this is all in fun so don't sweat if you have a few errors here and ther. Keep up the good work.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

I like your point about the bad luck, I picked up on that in the story, it wasn't so much the inclusion of the explanation of a fusion cutter being needed as the placement. But that's a really minor point so if you are happy with it the way it is don't change it for anybody. Well unless its someone paying you...

I think your personal struggle with the nice guy/badass thing for Kyrr could be an interesting characterization. Your struggle can be his struggle. And I especially think it fits since you mentioned Death Watch. I'm not very familiar with the sect, but I recognize its name fro Traviss' Commando series.

As for the beer and guilt and everything, its no biggie, edits, changes, and rewrites are a good thing. And this is all in fun so don't sweat if you have a few errors here and ther. Keep up the good work.

Thanks! And I changed it because what you pointed out made sense, and it helped me improve my story. And yes, Kyrr will struggle quite a bit with his morals, and his past.

I have sort of been writing off the top of my head with no outlines or anything done beforehand, but now I have a mini biography written out to refer to later when dealing with Kyrr's past. I am really excited when I think of all the places I could go with this story... I think it's gonna be good!

I really do appreciate the constructive criticism, far better than "sleep"

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Outlines are a must in writing. I too prefer the joy of purely writing off the top of my head, but if you really want to write a good story you gotta have an outline. In my experience writing off the top of my head always led to too much meandering and no clear plot or direction. And if you want to be a really great writer you're outline will be almost as long as the story itself and go through just as many rewrites.

Are you writing just for the hell of it or do you have aspirations of publication?

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Outlines are a must in writing. I too prefer the joy of purely writing off the top of my head, but if you really want to write a good story you gotta have an outline. In my experience writing off the top of my head always led to too much meandering and no clear plot or direction. And if you want to be a really great writer you're outline will be almost as long as the story itself and go through just as many rewrites.

Are you writing just for the hell of it or do you have aspirations of publication?

Aspirations of this particular fan fic being published? No, not really, this is sort of a "dipping my toe in the water" kind of thing. I may attempt to write a publish a book at some point, now that I know at least some people appreciate the way I write... but I don't think I'll try publishing a book that has to be licensed and approved until I try publishing an original book (if that ever happens).

Even though I don't have an actual outline for this per se, that doesn't mean I don't have a general idea of what I want to happen in my head.

I probably will write a mini-outline like this at some point:

"Prologue: KG goes into bar seeking to drown his troubles, ends up shooting Rodian and has to leave

Chapter 1: KG walks out of bar, fights with Nikto who found his hidden airspeeder

etc."

But I don't think I'm going to go into too much detail. I may just cover the 6 critical plot points: exposition, initiating event, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution if I remember correctly.

I'm still gonna be filling in a lot with spur-of-the-moment ideas...

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

So long as its fun that's all that matters.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

So long as its fun that's all that matters.

Of course, or else I wouldn't be writing at all! I'm actually gonna plan the plot out on paper (or my computer) right now, the more I talk about it the more I realize I want to!



and also, a 1/6 Kyrr Geron figure is in early stages of production...

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Sounds cool. I think it'd be fun to make a Mando custom. They're armor is pretty interesting and I like how Traviss made the different colors stand for things. I think if I were going to do it I would have a couple mismatched plates from his ancestors. Who knows, maybe I'll buy a Jango or Boba figure and try my hand at painting a custom.

I kinda sorta made my own Jedi figure. I used a Robert E. Lee figure, kept his pants and boots, but dyed Obi-Wan's tunic green. Then I gave him an eyepatch and that double lightsaber gauntlet that came with Plo Koon and an extra stormtrooper blaster.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Sounds cool. I think it'd be fun to make a Mando custom. They're armor is pretty interesting and I like how Traviss made the different colors stand for things. I think if I were going to do it I would have a couple mismatched plates from his ancestors. Who knows, maybe I'll buy a Jango or Boba figure and try my hand at painting a custom.

I kinda sorta made my own Jedi figure. I used a Robert E. Lee figure, kept his pants and boots, but dyed Obi-Wan's tunic green. Then I gave him an eyepatch and that double lightsaber gauntlet that came with Plo Koon and an extra stormtrooper blaster.

Kyrr Geron was actually born out of ideas I had for a Mandalorian custom figure that I had... I have a Hasbro 12" Jango Fett (non-talking version), I actually think it is one of the best 12" figures Hasbro did! SO I was going to recast helmet, gauntlets, and kneepads from him, now I'm thinking of making the helmet from scratch, or perhaps buying another Hasbro Mandalorian (Boba or Jango) and trying to use pieces from it... I can probably make everything for the figure myself, except for the jumpsuit, boots, gloves/hands, and the body itself! Haven't decided if I'm going to do his HS from scratch or not... think I might...

anyway, I'd like to see your custom Jedi, sounds cool!

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Thanks; if I ever get a way to take a picture of it I'll post it.

 

[RJMacReady16]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Writing's tough, and it really takes balls to put yourself out there like that.

I honestly haven't carefully read it, but just skimming over it I noticed that you definitely should work on some redundancies, to help the flow of the story you're trying to tell.

____ He noticed an advertisement for a type of cheap, blast-proof vest. He chuckled a bit at the irony.

If he let his guard slip, he could be in serious trouble. And he didn’t need any more trouble, especially not now.

"If he let his guard slip, he could be in serious trouble, and he didn't need any more of that, especially not now".

____He started the long walk back to his parked airspeeder. Most of the people in the underlevels couldn’t afford an airspeeder, and the few people who could got theirs stolen and sold for parts real quick. So Kyrr had parked his in a back alley and had hastily covered it with a pile of trash and scrap metal to minimize its being found. He had also rusted the airframe to make it look like useless trash. He couldn’t afford to lose that airspeeder; it wasn’t like the old days where he could own three at a time and pay for repairs without denting his funds. His favorite airspeeder had broken down a week ago, and he couldn’t afford to have it fixed or replaced, so he had actually had to sell the pieces for scrap.

____ They rarely ventured into the almost lawless underlevels, but not everyone important was in the underlevels.

Kyrr had been on that list. Of course, he usually didn’t go after bounties under 12,000 CR; bounties smaller than that weren’t usually worth a Mandalorian’s time. Kyrr Geron liked to think he was one of the best bounty hunters on Coruscant, and he was, with over 120 claimed bounties to his name.

____ They first were mostly focused on protecting the senate, but it wasn’t long before they were enforcing law and order on the streets. Their first order of business was to clean up the upper levels. There were hundreds of them, going around patrolling the districts around the senate, gradually getting farther and farther away from the senate building itself. In the process, Jakrata had been found and arrested, along with several other crimelords in the upper levels, and no one had heard from them since. Jakrata’s bounty office had quickly vanished as his underlings were constantly fighting over who would take over his criminal empire.

____Then he remembered; he had been absolutely sure that he had placed that very same astromech dome on top of the pile of junk under which he had buried his airspeeder in the alley. Except he was sure it had still had some of its electronics inside it then.

"Kyrr then remembered placing the very same astromech dome on top of the pile of junk, although he was sure it still had some of it's electronics inside of it then."

____He stood up and sprinted towards the alleyway as fast as he could. A few feet from it he could hear a sort of constant hissing noise, like a jet of air escaping from something. He crept slowly and cautiously around the corner, and then he saw what had been making the hissing sound.

____There was a red Nikto using a fusion cutter in the alley, illuminating everything in blue light (how can he tell it's red?) from the cutting tool’s jet of flame. Kyrr couldn’t believe it. Could the Nikto have found his airspeeder? He pushed the thought away almost immediately, and then noticed the pile of junk strewn all over the alleyway that had previously covered his airspeeder. He couldn’t recall anything else in the pile that require the use of a fusion cutter, as it was mostly a tool for cutting up larger things into smaller pieces, or making repairs. And there weren’t any large things in the alley except for his four-person, closed-canopy speeder. He shouted at the form bent over the pile of scrap.

____The Nikto, who hadn’t noticed Kyrr’s approach over the loud hissing noise of the fusion cutter, deactivated his tool and looked up at Kyrr, then turned to run. Kyrr was obviously angry at him for something, and he had seen the blaster on Kyrr’s hip. The Nikto knew better than to get in the way of an angry man with a gun.

____His old instincts and habits kicking in, Kyrr pulled out his blaster and ran after him, jumping over several low piles of trash that the Nikto had apparently sorted out from the large pile on top of Kyrr’s airspeeder. Kyrr fired a shot just as the Nikto turned the corner, leaving a blast mark on the grey duracrete wall where the Nikto’s head had been only a split second before. Kyrr rounded the corner to find it led into another alleyway. He ran a short way into the alley and then stopped, scanning the narrow corridor for the red-skinned, horned man. When Kyrr could find no sign of him, he assumed the being he pursued had already gained considerable distance over him. He hadn’t.

And I got kinda bored with editing after that.

Hope this helps a little. As far as using "he" and "his" and calling the character by name constantly---it's just a tricky part of writing. This hang-up alone can cost you hours upon hours reworking the sentences in a single paragraph.

Like playing Tetris with words.

Good luck.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Writing's tough, and it really takes balls to put yourself out there like that.

I honestly haven't carefully read it, but just skimming over it I noticed that you definitely should work on some redundancies, to help the flow of the story you're trying to tell.



"If he let his guard slip, he could be in serious trouble, and he didn't need any more of that, especially not now".



"Kyrr then remembered placing the very same astromech dome on top of the pile of junk, although he was sure it still had some of it's electronics inside of it then."



And I got kinda bored with editing after that.

Hope this helps a little. As far as using "he" and "his" and calling the character by name constantly---it's just a tricky part of writing. This hang-up alone can cost you hours upon hours reworking the sentences in a single paragraph.

Like playing Tetris with words.

Good luck.

yeah, I couldn't find a whole lot of synonyms for "Nikto" or "airspeeder," or "Kyrr Geron"

and just because there's blue light from a fusion cutter doesn't mean that it's the only source of light in the alleyway and there isn't other light coming in from the plasma advertising signs I mentioned that are all over the place. If it was, then as soon as the Nikto switched his fusion cutter off, in would have been pitch black and Kyrr wouldn't have been able to see well enough to follow the Nikto around the corner. And also, I said red Nikto because technichally, there are 5 different types of Nikto, including the Klaatu and Barada, which look totally different. The "red Nikto" is another way of saying "Kajain'sa'Nikto", and I didn't want to just say "Nikto" all the time.

I said "If he let his guard slip, he could be in serious trouble, and he didn't need any more trouble, especially not now" because I thought it sounded good that way. It's not meant to be read as, "If he let his guard slip, he could be in serious trouble and he didn't need any more trouble, especially not now." (without a pause), it's more like "If he let his guard slip, he could be in serious trouble. And he didn't need any more trouble, especially not now". almost like an afterthought Kyrr is having.

You could've just said "you repeat words alot" and I would've understood what you meant...

thanks for giving me feedback and advice, I really do appreciate it, but I repeated words sometimes for effect, and sometimes just because I can't find 12 synonyms for one thing without making it sound stupid (like instead of Kyrr, I could've said "the main character of this story," and that wouldn't have been right... )

I don't agonize over word synonyms, cuz that would suck the fun out of it and instead make it a stressful chore!

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

I looked through my copy of "Hard Contact" (Karen Traviss Republic Commando novel), and she uses the word he or his more than 8 times after refering to Darman by name once. So if she can do it, why can't I?


anyway, I'm making good progress on the armor for my Kyrr Geron custom figure... thinking about recasting the helmet from my Hasbro Jango Fett... doing most of the rest of the armor from scratch... can't find any leather for doing the vest, and I'm having trouble finding a good bodysuit for him... but he's coming along. Maybe I'll start a new thread for him soon and post progress piccies....


also, I now have a plotline established and written down for this fan fic, and I'm starting on the next chapter, I'll finish and post it tomorrow!

 

[BottleRocket]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Keep it coming Dude. I'm enjoying reading the updates.

Writing is very personal and to put something that personal out for everyone to critique takes a lot of guts. Believe me, I used to draw for my own personal enjoyment but was very guarded about showing anyone. One day I just decided "what's the worst thing they can say?" Now I'm making a living doing it.

Keep it up buddy.

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Keep it coming Dude. I'm enjoying reading the updates.

Writing is very personal and to put something that personal out for everyone to critique takes a lot of guts. Believe me, I used to draw for my own personal enjoyment but was very guarded about showing anyone. One day I just decided "what's the worst thing they can say?" Now I'm making a living doing it.

Keep it up buddy.

Thanks!

I used to draw a lot, and I was fairly succesful at it. At age 8 my parents got me a "how to draw Manga" book (manga being the un-animated version of anime), and I drew 2 heads from it and they were pretty close to the original versions in the actual book. Over the years, I tried drawing more realistically, and I also developed my very own style of manga. But as I got oldler, I drew less and less, and now I barely draw at all. I remember my art teachers in middle school thinking I was a very talented artist

looking back on some of the stuff I did in middle (or junior high) school, I don't think I was that good at all!

I put my stuff out here for the world to see because I figured if 2 people say that this fan fic is good and they like it, I'd be pretty happy, even if 100 other people say it's garbagio (no, that's not real Italian, I speak French anyway! ).

Perhaps you could be the illustrator for a real book I write if I ever try to get one published! That'd be cool.

 

[BottleRocket]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Your welcome Dude. If this is something that you enjoy, than more power to you. For what it's worth I think it's entertaining and well done.

When I submit something it is only being reviewed by maybe 2-3 decision makers. You on the other hand have made yours open to criticism from a group of people who by nature are a bit over critical to begin with. By that I just mean that us (me included) scifi/comic enthusiasts tend to over analyze the smallest details for accuracy and continuity. It's not a bad thing it's just way most of us are wired.

No matter what comes of it, keep doing it. Even if you stop posting it, keep writing. Heck, it's because of stories like yours that the EU even exists in the first place.

BR

 

[the dude person]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Your welcome Dude. If this is something that you enjoy, than more power to you. For what it's worth I think it's entertaining and well done.

When I submit something it is only being reviewed by maybe 2-3 decision makers. You on the other hand have made yours open to criticism from a group of people who by nature are a bit over critical to begin with. By that I just mean that us (me included) scifi/comic enthusiasts tend to over analyze the smallest details for accuracy and continuity. It's not a bad thing it's just way most of us are wired.

No matter what comes of it, keep doing it. Even if you stop posting it, keep writing. Heck, it's because of stories like yours that the EU even exists in the first place.

BR

Nothing wrong with criticism, I think it should make me stronger as a writer... for example, if I wasn't paying attention to continuity before, and someone brought it up as an issue, then not only do I have the chance to fix my story and improve it, but I also get good practice for writing later on. Because of the criticisms for continuity, in the future when I write something, I'll be more careful about it.


I'm very pleased to hear that you were entertained by this fan fic so far. Every day, I have new ideas for my story, and I keep figuring out more about in which direction I want to take it.

Working on Chapter 2 (or rather Part 3) on and off recently, should be able to get it up by tonight! There'll be some hints as to Kyrr's past in it, and something very important is going to happen. As far as the 6 crucial plot points, I have covered the first, the "exposition", and in this next chapter will be the start of the second point: the "initiating event"




UPDATE:

It may be another 3-4 hours before I can post Chapter 2 (or Part 3), as I have some work to do, and I also spent a lot of time today working on 1/6 Kyrr Geron's armor... I'll post a new thread for it tomorrow with progress pics...

I'll try to finish and get Chapter 2 up tonight, slight chance it may not happen though... fingers crossed! Now it's back to work for me...


UPDATE 2:

sorry guys, looks like it could be another 2 hours... Pretty busy ATM and haven't finished writing yet...

 

[Agent0028]

Re: A Sample of a SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person (PLEASE READ THIS! AND COMMENT!)

Take your time don't rush it. Write it, leave it awhile, reread it, do some editing. Your writing is good enough as it is, but I'd give it a little time, give it a little polish and it can be better.