NOTE: Originally written and posted by dr2red.
Twas The Night Before Kurganimas
Twas the night before Kurganimas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a souse.
The heads were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that The Kurgan soon would be there.
The children were nestled all scared in their beds,
While visions of massacres danced in their heads.
And mamma in her Dead T-Shirt, and I in my Sideshow cap
Had just taken out our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the street there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the piss strewn snow
Gave the glare of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my fearful eyes should appear,
But a gargantuan sleigh, and eight gigantic reindeer.
With a fur clad driver, helmet and sword,
I knew in moment it was our immortal lord .
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he shouted, and cursed, and called them by name!
"Now King Of Darkness! now,Great Shai Hulud !
now, Duke Darko and Dark Artist !
On, Galacti Boy! On, Lord Azrael! , on Bannister
The Brave and Queen Beruthiel!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now Smash away! Smash away! Smash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the deadly hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of heads, and The Kurgan too.
And then, in a second, I heard on the roof
The grinding and scrapping of each large hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Kurgan came with a bound.
He was all in Medieval armor, from his head to his boot,
And his hands were all covered with blood and with soot .
A bundle of heads he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a grim reaper, and I was his snack.
His eyes-how they burned! his helmet so hairy!
His cheeks were like ashes, his nose was so scary !
His cruel sneering mouth was barely a slit,
And the cleft of his chin was as deep as a pit.
The stump of a body he held tight in his hand,
And the quickening encircled his head like a band.
He had a long face and a broad armored chest,
That rose when he growled and pounded with zest!
He was lean and long, a frightening sight,
And I ran when I saw him, rather than fight !
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I next would be dead.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And drawing his sword, took a head with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like they sat on a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Bloody Kurganimas to all, and to all a grue-night!"
