A SW Fan Fic by the Dude Person: The Story of Kyrr Geron the Mandalorian

[Agent0028]

Nice job. I can see how Chapter 6 would be difficult to write. You've got two characters with absolutely no reason to trust each other sharing a small space with nowhere to go.

I think the hyperspace trip is still too short. Hyperspace seems short in the movies because the cut out all the boring stuff but in "reality" I think they spend days and even weeks in hyperspace. I think that gives you some more room to expand out beyond just action by exploring that interpersonal tension. I think it is fine to move forward with the story, but it may not be a bad idea to go back and add a little more depth to the hyperspace journey when you can.

Also, I think they have a term in the SW universe for shots, you may want to see if you can find out what it is. They may just call them hypos or something. You've done a really great job using in universe terminology so far "plastoid bottle" for instance, and the Mandalorian words as well.

 

[the dude person]

Nice job. I can see how Chapter 6 would be difficult to write. You've got two characters with absolutely no reason to trust each other sharing a small space with nowhere to go.

I think the hyperspace trip is still too short. Hyperspace seems short in the movies because the cut out all the boring stuff but in "reality" I think they spend days and even weeks in hyperspace. I think that gives you some more room to expand out beyond just action by exploring that interpersonal tension. I think it is fine to move forward with the story, but it may not be a bad idea to go back and add a little more depth to the hyperspace journey when you can.

Also, I think they have a term in the SW universe for shots, you may want to see if you can find out what it is. They may just call them hypos or something. You've done a really great job using in universe terminology so far "plastoid bottle" for instance, and the Mandalorian words as well.

Thanks.

And I just can't conceive of making the hyperspace journey take that long.... I mean, I couldn't keep the interaction realistic for that long, it would end up just being silly, I think. There's really no way to pass the time that I can think of, unless I say something lame, like "weeks passed, and then they arrived on Tatooine"

If I was a great writer, I probably could make it take the right amount of time and make the story work. However it took me more than a week to get this far... I can't really do any better, I don't think.

And yeah I totally forgot about the hypo thing, I think that is what they call them... but I think that "injections" and "syringes" might also still exist within the Star Wars universe. I'll look it up and find out, and eventually change it accordingly.

Anyway, I'm glad you took the time to read it! Thanks for your advice.

 

[Agent0028]

Happy to oblige.

As for the hyperspace problem, I think a statement to indicate the passage of time would be just fine. Just take some time imaginging what the interactions would be like, how they would change and evolve, and describe that in a few sentences.

 

[the dude person]

Happy to oblige.

As for the hyperspace problem, I think a statement to indicate the passage of time would be just fine. Just take some time imaginging what the interactions would be like, how they would change and evolve, and describe that in a few sentences.

Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll figure something out eventually. I may move on to writing Chapter 7 first, though. I have some interesting stuff lined up to happen, I think...

See, this is the problem with writing I had before I started writing this story. I'd get stuck in the "editing what you already have" phase, and stay there until I didn't like the story anymore!

So I'll go back and edit this later.

 

[Agent0028]

Nothing wrong with that. I think getting all your ideas out and into a skeleton then going back and adding the meat is perfectly fine. That's basically what authors are doing when they make outlines of the plots etc.

 

[sithlord13]

Hi enjoyed part six and the modified part five
It's shapin up nicely
Perhaps a mention of a few snatched hours sleep would enhance the passage of time

Also the hyperdrive - millions? Of credits seems too much if ships start at a few thousand even for a fast ship - but thats nit picking
Wasn't guri only valued at five million and she was meant to be unique?
But enjoying it - no body said it was easy but I hooked. Keep it ip mate

 

[the dude person]

Hi enjoyed part six and the modified part five
It's shapin up nicely
Perhaps a mention of a few snatched hours sleep would enhance the passage of time

Also the hyperdrive - millions? Of credits seems too much if ships start at a few thousand even for a fast ship - but thats nit picking
Wasn't guri only valued at five million and she was meant to be unique?
But enjoying it - no body said it was easy but I hooked. Keep it ip mate

Yeah, I thought about sleep... but that wouldn't seem quite right - Kyrr and Aleina are definitely not comfortable with each other yet. Kyrr still suspects she's going to try to kill him to save her own life, and she's somewhat worried of what he'll do to her if she's still "useful." So taking a nice cozy nap in the cockpit kinda wouldn't work out, I think... I'll figure something out though.


And about the hyperdrive... Well, I didn't really have any reference for pricing.

The point is, according to Wookiepedia, Class 3 hyperdrives were only experimental during the Clone Wars, so a Class 2 would have to be not only

a) a prototype that was not really open to the public and was probably stolen from a testing facility or something

but also,

b) Highly modified by an expert mechanic to be even faster

Plus, this is a rich crimelord's ship, he's got a lot of money to throw around... anyone willing to sell him something like this is bound to jack the price up to squeeze more cash out of him.

But looking back, I'm realizing that 3 mil is a bit much... That's going on my list of edits to be made later. Perhaps 1 million or half a million would make more sense.

Thanks for your advice sithlord!

 

[Agent0028]

Perhaps he could rig something up to lock her in or out of the cockpit? Probably more likely out since in she could drop them out of hyperspace and plot a new course going elsewhere.

Of course as a highly trained warrior he can probably go a few days without sleep, although with the physical toll his body has been through it would wear on him more than usual.

Whatever way you decide to take it, you've got a nice framework being built that you can go back and embellish later.

 

[the dude person]

Just a quick update on Chapter 7, in case anyone's interested...

IT'S NOT DONE YET!

I actually just started really writing it, I wrote a tiny bit every now and then, but I've been too busy to devote my full attention to it until tonight. I've been so busy!

Not to mention I've stupidly rushed head-long into another gigantic project I'll never finish... Essentially a Star Wars text-based adventure game. Right now, it's more of a Star Wars text-based... game. Not so good with the "adventure" part...

Anyway, I hope to finish Chapter 7 before (or during) next weekend....

 

[the dude person]

I really need to get better with updates... I say "next weekend" and it ends up being "the weekend 4 weeks from now"



Anyway, it might be a bit sloppy, (I feel like my writing skills are deflating a little bit, like a balloon with a hole in it,) but anyway, here's Chapter 7.



Chapter 7: An Uneasy Landing


____Wispy tan clouds rushed past outside as the ship plummeted through the dusty atmosphere of Tatooine. Aleina Kaede masterfully adjusted the repulsor output to gradually slow the ship as it fell, although it still seemed to be falling fairly quickly. Both she and Kyrr were securely strapped into the harnesses attached to their seats, and Kyrr was anxiously watching Aleina’s every move. He suddenly realized that he had put his helmet on again without thinking. Something about the rapid landing was making him uneasy.

____Aleina could easily have slowed the ship down to a hover, but Kyrr supposed that minimizing the time they spent in the air was a necessary part of being fugitives from both sides of the law. The longer it took to land, the more likely it would be that some other pilot in the area would recognize the ship’s transponder code. If any of Aleina’s “co-workers” were flying around, things could turn ugly later on.

____I swear, this is even closer to freefall than when my speeder ran out of fuel this morning.

____Kyrr really hoped that Aleina knew what she was doing. He also hoped that the Republic hadn’t put a price out on his head yet; even the bounty hunters of Tatooine would sometimes claim a bounty for the Republic, if the price was high enough.

____The clouds were starting to thin out now, allowing some features of the distant landscape to become clearly visible. There were a few cliffs and other rock formations, but the surface of Tatooine mostly consisted of vast areas of desolate, empty sand that stretched for miles. Every now and then, Kyrr saw a ship or two flying nearby, landing or departing from the planet. It really was a busy place, despite how barren it seemed.

____When Aleina brought the ship closer to the planet’s surface, Kyrr realized that they actually were moving forward, even though it had seemed like the ship was falling almost straight down. Aleina started to crank up the repulsor power, slowing their descent considerably. They couldn’t have been more than a kilometer away from the ground below them as a conglomeration of boxy shapes appeared on the horizon. As they got closer to the shapes, Kyrr could see that they were, in fact, the tan buildings of a sprawling Tatooine city.

____Almost before he knew it, they were flying right above the city at a fairly low altitude. Aleina brought the ship’s speed down to a slow hover, and then there was a dull ka-klomp as the landing gear hit the ground.

____Kyrr turned his head toward Aleina, and she looked back at him, with her head tilted slightly and an inquisitive expression on her face. He suddenly remembered that he was still wearing his helmet. He unclamped his gloved hands from the underside of his seat and quickly took it off again. Looking somewhat embarrassed, he slowly started to mumble an explanation.

____“I was just a little, umm…”

____He trailed off and didn’t finish the sentence.

____“We’re here,” Aleina said.

____“Yeah…”

____They had landed in the sand dunes, a couple thousand feet away from the city itself.

____“Any reason why you chose to land here, exactly?” he enquired.

____“I don’t exactly want to have this ship seen in any of the docking bays in town… The city’s called Mos Eirat, if that’s what you’re asking. I’ve been here a lot. I land here every time I come to Tatooine, so this is where all of the possible customers I know would be.”

____“Isn’t this also where your boss is, then?”

____“Yes. But if this plan is actually going to work, I can’t just sell the spice blindly somewhere else on the other side of the planet. Like you said, I already know who’s really in the market for this kind of stuff. It’s just that I don’t know many people on Tatooine outside of Mos Eirat,” She paused contemplatively, and then continued. “I think we’ll be fine for a little while, before we go into the city.”

____“I see. I just hope our being here doesn’t cause any problems.”

____“Isn’t that where you come in anyway?”

____“I can only do so much,” Kyrr replied. “We’ll have to do this whole operation very quickly…” He looked absent-mindedly at one of his blasters.

____“Do you know how to handle a blaster?” he asked.

____“I guess, sort of…” Aleina replied. “I haven’t really had any weapons training or anything, and I have very little experience with actually using a blaster…” She paused, taking a deep breath. “I always hoped that wearing a pistol on my belt would keep me from running into trouble… Or at least keep trouble from running into me. I didn’t think I’d actually have to use it one day.”

____She’s lucky she’s still alive, in her line of work.

____“Well, I suppose if you had known how to use that pistol of yours, I would’ve been in trouble when I ran up your cargo ramp. Anyway, it’s probably best that I teach you how to defend yourself properly… I mean, at least to ensure that you stay alive until I’ve been paid.”

____He unstrapped one of the two blaster rifles he was carrying from his shoulder, and held it out to her. She raised her eyebrows a little, and took it from him. She turned it over in her hands, looking a little bewildered.

____“I don’t think anyone’s going to give you a hard time while you’ve got that slung across your back,” Kyrr commented.

____He could see that Aleina was obviously not comfortable with larger blasters. She awkwardly raised the rifle to look down its sights, placing the stock too high on her shoulder to shoot effectively. Kyrr also noticed that she seemed to be aiming at him, although she couldn’t keep the gun steady at all.

____Shab, the recoil would break her arm with her shooting like that!

____Kyrr stood up out of his copilot’s chair and walked over behind Aleina. He could have sworn that she was tracking him with the blaster rifle, but perhaps it was only a combination of his imagination and her unsteady aim. Whatever the case, she did not turn around when he stood behind her.

____“Here, move this down,” he told her, adjusting the position of the rifle’s stock so that it would absorb the recoil properly, “and move your other hand farther forward. That should stabilize your aim a little.”

____Then Aleina did turn around, and handed the rifle back to Kyrr. “You know maybe I don’t need this. I think I’ll be fine with my blaster pistol.”

____With that, she left Kyrr in the cockpit and walked off to the cargo bay to find it.




Sorry it's so short... please let me know what you think about it! I'm open to insults - I mean, constructive criticism! Or both...

 

[sithlord13]

Nice
Read smooth to me and shows a beginning of trust
Nice to see you avoided mos Espa and eisley - although it seems tatooine is a busy place! Lol
Enjoying it mate

 

[the dude person]

Nice
Read smooth to me and shows a beginning of trust
Nice to see you avoided mos Espa and eisley - although it seems tatooine is a busy place! Lol
Enjoying it mate

Thanks man!

Yeah, I just hate it when people write fanfictions, and out of an ENTIRE PLANET, they pick the one place where everyone's been before!!!

Anyway, glad you've enjoyed it so far Sithlord.



I'm still hoping for some other comments on Chapter 7 (last post on the last page,) if you happen to read it, please do leave a comment! Thanks

 

[the dude person]

for anyone still interested, I thought I'd post a quick update on Chapter 8. Here goes...



*ker-chug, ker-chug, ker-chug, ker-chug*


I've been thinking a lot about plot details for Chapter 8, and where I need the story to go, but I just have lacked either the energy or motivation to actually write much of it as of yet. Hopefully I'll be able to finish it up in the next few days or so... I think the plot will pick up a little in this chapter....