JOKER TO JOKER
Parody Screenplay by
Joey VanDyne
Original Story, Settings, and Dialogue from Batman
by Samm Hamm, and Warren Skaaren
Original Dialogue from The Dark Knight
by Christopher Nolan, and Jonathan Nolan
Fade In.
INT. GOTHAM CITY MUSEUM - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The Jack Nicholson Joker walks enters with his THUGS; paints, brushes, and heavy set boom box in hand.
Now that everyone is DEAD, he looks on with quite the grin.
THE JOKER
Gentlemen...Let’s broaden our minds! (motioning to the boombox) Lawrence.
Cue “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the and the Funky Bunch
In unison to the music, the Joker dances blissfully with excitement, spinning his cane. Motions with his hand to LAWRENCE, a burly bodyguard.
THE JOKER (CONT'D)
Lawrence, brush.
Lawrence hands The Joker his PAINT BRUSH.
The Joker dips his brush in purple paint. The Joker writes on a Picasso.
CU on PICASSO - It reads “Joker was here!”.
The Joker and his men, destroy priceless paintings. One after another. Splashing various buckets of paint on the museum’s most valuable assets.
After dancing around some--ten minutes on the fist floor, The Joker and his men make their way up to the second floor.
INT. GOTHAM CITY MUSEUM - SECOND FLOOR - NIGHT
They notice one...MYSTERIOUS FIGURE hiding in the SHADOWS.
It appears that the figure in the shadows is NOT DEAD!
The Joker is astonished. He motions Lawrence to turn off the boom box.
THE JOKER (CONT'D)(confronting the figure)
YOU THERE!
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
(tonguing his cheek)
Ah, yeah?
THE JOKER
Why aren’t you DEAD!?
Revealing himself from the darkness, it appears to be Heath Ledger, THE OTHER JOKER from The Dark Knight.
THE OTHER JOKER
Oh, well--see, if I told you. Then it wouldn’t be a secret now would it?
THE JOKER
(with a sour face)
I take it you were the one who stole my balloons?
THE OTHER JOKER
Me!? How could have it been me? I was sitting here all along.
THE JOKER
(To his men)
HE STOLE MY BALLOONS! Why didn’t anyone tell me he wasn’t...DEAD!?
THE OTHER JOKER
Does it depress you? Just how alone you really are...
THE JOKER
(not acknowleging The Other Joker)
Alright! Can somebody please tell me, what kind-of-World we live in, when a man, dresses up like ME, steals my balloons, and gets all of my press!?!
THE OTHER JOKER
Oh...he, he, ha, ha, ha, o, he, ha, ha, he, ha, ha, ha. And I thought my jokes were bad.
THE JOKER
Haven’t you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
THE OTHER JOKER
Well, first of all, no, I haven’t. Secondly, I’m not really one to crash parties, but in this case, I was willing to make an exception.
THE JOKER
Have you come here to kill me?
THE OTHER JOKER
(laughing)
I don’t want to kill you. Why would I want to do that? No, no. (skip a beat)
You complete me.
THE JOKER
What in the HELL do you want then!?
THE OTHER JOKER
You've changed things. Forever. You see, Gotham has shown it’s true colors, unfortunately...(looking around) it looks like you’ve done a little coloring yourself. And you didn’t disappoint.
THE JOKER
Well, I’m flattered. Now what is it, what do you want??
THE OTHER JOKER
As I was saying, I didn’t want to interrupt your little group therapy session, but It was necessary. You see--
THE JOKER
See what?
THE OTHER JOKER
If you let me finish the sentence I can tell you.
THE JOKER
(grins)
Oh--(giggles) continue.
THE OTHER JOKER
(Holding up his hands)
The gloves are off, and I want in.
THE JOKER
You want in?
THE OTHER JOKER
Complete. Utter. (beat) In.
THE JOKER
How much?
THE OTHER JOKER
Uh, half.
THE JOKER
I just gave half of it away.
THE OTHER JOKER
No, no. It’s not about money. It’s about...
(solemnly)
The Batman.
THE JOKER
You...Idiot! He made ME remember! He dropped me into that vat of chemicals, and that wasn’t easy to get over, and don’t think that I didn’t try!
THE OTHER JOKER
That’s right, Jack. He might of made you. But you have done nothing but little dances, and twirls around a museum, painting your name on little bitty priceless paintings. Is this really a man, the batman will fear? I mean, what happened? Did your balls drop off?
THE JOKER
(agitated)
Give me one reason, why I shouldn’t have my boy, Lawrence here, drop your balls off!
THE OTHER JOKER
How about a magic trick?
The Other Joker pulls out a PENCIL and DRIVES IT into the TABLE.
The Joker is not impressed. He motions Lawrence to remove The Other Joker from the table. The Other Joker reverses the attack, and maneuvers Lawrence’s head into the pencil, impaling his face.
THE OTHER JOKER
TAADA!!...It’s gone. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah...You’ve done nothing. Nothing at all to stop the batman. Nothing to threaten him with. Batman has no jurisdiction, he will find you, and make you squeal. Want my advice?
THE JOKER (CONT'D)
(unenthusiastically)
No.
THE OTHER JOKER
If your good at something never do it for free.
THE JOKER
Marvelous. If you’ll excuse me...
THE OTHER JOKER
Ah, ta-ta-ta-ta...
The Other Joker opens his coat and EXPOSES a DOZEN GRENADES.
THE OTHER JOKER (CONT'D)
(tugging the line of string with his thumb)
where do you think your going? Let’s not blow this out of proportion.
THE JOKER
(confessing)
Listen. I am an artist. We mustn't compare ourselves.
THE OTHER JOKER
Uh, I’m not comparing myself, I am simply contrasting. Help me, upset the established order, and everything will become...uh...
THE JOKER
Chaos?
THE OTHER JOKER
Yes, chaos! I’m an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos, it’s fair.
THE JOKER
YOU WANT FAIR!? I just dumped free money on the streets of Gotham, and where were you??
THE OTHER JOKER
Well, I was here. I told you already.
THE JOKER
Don’t you lie to me! YOU STOLE MY BALLOONS! You’re a Theif! A Scoundrel! A Scallywag!
THE OTHER JOKER
No...no I’m not.
THE JOKER
So what now?
THE OTHER JOKER
It’s simple. We kill the Batman.
THE JOKER
We?
THE OTHER JOKER
Yes, we.
THE JOKER
I’m really not amused by this. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have a flying mouse to kill.
The Other Joker pulls out a KNIFE, and rushes The Joker, grabbing him by the shirt and holds the knife to his face.
THE OTHER JOKER
Oh, you look frightened, is it the scars?
THE JOKER
No, it’s definitely not the scars.
THE OTHER JOKER
Its a funny world we live in, speaking of, you wanna know how I got these scars?
THE JOKER
No, but I know where you got these!
The Joker squeezes his ORCHID FLOWER coat ornament, and SHOOTS what appears to be ACID, into The Other Joker’s face.
THE JOKER (CONT'D)
(Laughing hysterically)
Never rub another man’s rhubarb!
THE OTHER JOKER
(Screaming in agony)
Ow, Ow, I’m melting, I’m melting, I’m melting. Oh--God! I’m melting!
All of a sudden, The Joker feels sympathetic. He starts patting The Other Joker on the back.
THE JOKER
(padding his back)
It’s alright, you’ll be fine....it’s just pickle juice.
The other Joker suddenly turns around for the BIG SCARE!
THE OTHER JOKER
Uh...Boom!
Suddenly the museum’s windows, EXPLODE!
The Joker looks around confused.
A Helicopter from above, appears out of nowhere! The HIGH BEAMS blind everyone. A STEP LADDER is thrown down through the main sun roof shattered window.
THE OTHER JOKER (CONT'D)
(grabbing the step ladder and hanging on)
Well, it’s time for me to retire.
The Joker and his thugs watch on, as The Other Joker rises above their heads. He takes out a pack of cards, as he overlooks the scene.
THE OTHER JOKER (CONT'D)
(saluting)
Here’s my card when you want to start taking things a little more seriously.
The Other Joker throws down a CARD.
The Joker goes to retrieve it. He stares closely, examining it.
CU of CARD - it’s a Joker’s Wild card.
THE JOKER
Bone. With Sicilian Rail? Where does he get those wonderful cards!?
The Other Joker hangs tightly to the step ladder, but the pack of cards slip out of his hands, and simultaneously RAIN all over the museum.
THE OTHER JOKER
(shrugging)
Woops! Sometimes...I just kill myself.
The Other Joker starts to giggle.
The Joker is not amused by this. He turns to his right hand man, BOB.
THE JOKER
Bob...gun.
Bob hands The Joker his GUN.
While The Other Joker is dangling from the step ladder. The Joker aims the gun, and FIRES at the helpless Other Joker.
The Other Joker falls to a quick death.
THE JOKER (CONT'D)
...Gonna need minute or two alone boys.
The Joker’s thugs take a leave.
The Joker is now alone with the now, deceased, Other Joker.
THE JOKER (CONT'D)
(talking to the Other Joker’s corpse)
You’re ideas...they’re not bad. Maybe uh--you’ll give me a few days to think them over...No? Grease me now? You are a vicious bastard. I’m glad your dead! Ahahahahah...I’m glad your dead. Ahahahahahahaha!!
The Joker make his exit down stairs to the main museum doors, laughing uncontrollably, as we then--
Fade out.
THE END.
All names, images, likenesses, slogans, trademarks, and references are the property of DC Comics and Warner Brother Pictures.
Copyright © 2010 Joey VanDyne. All Rights Reserved.
