GI Joe movie WARNING SPOILERS!

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screamingmetal

screamingmetal

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Sorry if this was mentioned elsewhere. I looked and couldn't find any thread about spoilers.

After the crap fest that was the publicity shots leaking out on the net, I didn't want to read or see anything else from this movie for some time. Unfortunately I just had to read some details of the GI Joe script on io9 and I have to share:
Here's the movie's premise: the G.I. Joe team, led by Duke (Channing Tatum), fights for freedom wherever there is trouble. And their arch nemesis is Cobra Commander and his Cobra Force. The movie is based on a Hasbro line of toys, but also on a comic-book series from the 1980s, which had the Joe squad working out of "The Pit."

CC2K has an early review of the movie's script, and apparently it includes:

* "Accelerator suits," which allow the G.I. Joe squad to run faster, jump super-high, smash through walls, and shrug off bullets.
* A "nano-bomb" that the Cobra Commander wants to launch — which launches a swarm of nanites that eat all of the buildings and machinery, without harming any of the people. (And how do the nanites know when to stop eating all the non-organic matter? Will this be explained at all?)
* The Neo-Vipers, super-soldiers enhanced by nanotech, so they can't feel pain or remorse. (And maybe they can actually regenerate from injuries? It's not clear.) A mad scientist, known only as the Doctor, creates these soldiers for Destro, who's horribly disfigured after a fight with Duke. Destro wears a mask made out of nanotechnology, which allows the Doctor, aka Commander, to control his mind.
* hawt babe Scarlett (Rachel Nichols, see pic above) who is a virgin, despite wearing breast-exaggerating armor (which can turn invisible.) Marlon Wayans' wacky sidekick character Ripcord has the hots for Scarlett, who says she'll date him if he can shoot her on an obstacle course. He fails to hit her, and later realizes he was actually shooting real arrows instead of "training arrows." Also, Dennis Quaid plays "Hawk," their leader, and The Rock is rumored to play Shipwreck, another one of the good guys.
* a weird backstory involving a romance between Channing Tatum's Duke and Sienna Miller's evil Baroness. They almost got married, and now she's a Nazi or something. The Baroness says things like, "Deep down, you're still the man I fell in love with." And "Do it, Duke. You've already killed me once."
* futuristic killer ninjas, as we already mentioned a while back. [CinCity2000]
Click to expand...
https://io9.com/382289/power+armor-vs-nano+tech-super-soldiers-in-gi-joe
Invisibility and super power suits, an incredibly dumb sounding "Nano Bomb" plot device, Cobra Nano Tech enhanced human soldiers (I'd prefer B.A.T.S over this Sh##), Cobra Commander is also a Doctor, Cobra Commander uses a Nano mask to control Destro's mind, and Marlon Wayans is a wacky sidekick. It just keeps getting worse and worse.
 
I think the word "spoiler" has never been more appropriate... everything you hear about this turd of a movie makes it less and less appealing.
 
Its getting harder and harder to say "I'll still go see it" after everything I'm reading....:(
 
Oh christ!! I thought this might being going the may of Transformers. Didn't look good, but turned out ok, but nooooooo! This is just gonna be a big pile of ^^^^!!! Dammit!!
 
I won't be popular for saying this, but the nano-bomb thing could be cool if approached correctly, although I know it won't be in this film. The possibilities of nano-tech is virtually limitless.

However, everything else sounds even worse than I imagined...
 
The cobra world domination, nanomachine plot thing sounds ok, it's no worse than any of the ideas from the cartoon. but the rest of it..... blarf.
 
So they have the suits from Crysis?

The whole thing just keeps getting worse and worse.

I played with G.I.Joes as a kid and watched the show, that's really all. I bet even I could make a movie 10x better than this and make Joe fans happy(ier).

Why are these movies made by people who say they just "loved" the original (or whatever) and say they totally get it? And yet we get this ^^^^?

WTF!?

/sigh
 
Oh well, at least there's still Transformers 2 to look forward to, right? I hear it's gonna have Constructicons. :rock
 
Yup:

fail-24.jpg
 
I thought this movie might have redeeming value with Ray Park in a cool looking Snake Eyes suit, but now it just sounds Dolph-Lundgren-Masters-of-the-Universe bad.

Cobra-La is cooler than this garbage.
 
lerath666 said:
The cobra world domination, nanomachine plot thing sounds ok, it's no worse than any of the ideas from the cartoon. but the rest of it..... blarf.
Click to expand...

Well here's the problem I have with the Nano plot. I'm not opposed to the use of Nano Machines but the over use of them and the way they've used them. Everything in this movie has Nano Machines, the bomb, the Neo-Vipers, Destro's mask, and probably a bunch of other stuff. If they just stuck to one use for it and not everything it'd be better.

Here's how I would've done it:
Cobra Commander is a genius with Nano technology and creates one Nano bot system that Cobra sends up on a rocket that infests all the satellites in orbit. Once in place, they destroy all the satellites. Destroying not just civilian, communication, and GPS satellites, but intelligence gathering and weapon satellites.
Completely blindsided, The US puts the GI Joe team together out of all the separate US military branches specifically to take down Cobra. Which would explain why everyone is wearing uniforms from different services. Snake Eyes and Scarlet are part of a top secret espionage unit assigned to GI Joe.
NO super powered suits, no invisibility suits, no Destro mind control (he should mostly just be their arms dealer), and no Neo Vipers.

What they've come up with is too sci-fi for my tastes. They need to tone down the far out technology and try to keep it more realistic then the cartoon or the comic books, but that doesn't mean it can't look and feel like GI Joe.
 
lerath666 said:
The cobra world domination, nanomachine plot thing sounds ok, it's no worse than any of the ideas from the cartoon.
Click to expand...

Here's the thing, though: the cartoon sucks. It's the Larry Hama G.I. JOE comics from the mid-80's (particularly the first 50-60 issues) that should have been the template for a live action film.

The movie us beyond D.O.A.

And, Khev... the Snake Eyes costume sucks balls, too. Have you seen the latest pics? Horrible.
 
IrishJedi said:
And, Khev... the Snake Eyes costume sucks balls, too. Have you seen the latest pics? Horrible.
Click to expand...

Yeah they definitely lost a lot of coolness by showing his mouth and an apparently unscarred face. Too bad. I really hope that people who insist on paying to see this movie in the theater even after all this at least wait until the second weekend or later. I don't want Sommers or the studio to be rewarded in any way by having even close to an impressive opening with this drek.
 
But, but, we have to see this movie and have it be successful so that they'll make a second one and actually do it right... right?
 

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