D
DarkSyren
Guest
First of this is a long message, so I ask that you read and bear with me. I want to thank all the members here who accepted who I am, and even the ones who do not. In recent times, there has been much controversy on this board. Thankfully that has passed but new controversies and drama are always around the corner, perhaps just part of the online community.
I want all the members here to know that you are all very valuable friends to me, even though we have never met in person, or spoken on the phone. Each has their own unique personality that shows through their words and actions on the board. I feel I know some of you very well, and I think many of you know me, but only the outside image that I have unfairly projected on some here.
Last night in the chat room, there were three brave members who told me exactly to my face ( well, not to my face, LOL, as this is cyberspace) what they thought of me I retaliated with venom so spiteful and defensive that it was like a spitting cobra. But they did not relent They continued to tell me off, and there were heated insults exchanged from ' obnoxious twat' to 'immature tart' " attention whore", etc, to a lot of other things
And you know what? They're right. One of the members told me that first impressions are the strongest impressions you will make on others, one that is imprinted and that lasts. I regret that my first impression on many of you, some may find it amusing, others found it vulgar, distasteful, and rude. You were also right about that. I have lived my life in such a paradoxical way that it must be apparent to those members here who can see right through my outer defenses. And when attacked with the truth, I obviously can dish out as much @#%$ as someone can take, but I can't take one grain of it myself.
Until the three members forced me to take a look at how my personality was the reason why some disliked me. I cannot be liked by everyone, no one can. And by this open letter here, I do not expect anyone to change their opinion of me, only to have an understanding of who I am.
SamAkaLiz and Eddy( High Elven) both said things to me that hit me so hard I actually threatened to beat up Sam at SDCC.
But Sam's statement that she had more than me and that she was probably happier than me were both very true. Eddy's statement of me being insecure was also true. And what did I do? Post his private message, getting me banned from Shadow and Flame, and cruelly degrade Sam, no matter if she laughed about it or not, said hurtful things to her.
In truth, a person may look at me on the outside...the image I present...a fit, beautiful woman ( not beautiful to everyone, but to some) who drives a nice car, has a beautiful home, can afford to buy anything she wants. But those things are TRANSITORY and MEANINGLESS, and all my life, I have tried to fill the unhappiness within me that was always somehow there. I cannot explain that. I grew up spoiled and sheltered, never having to lift a finger to do an ounce of work. My father and mother are both wonderful, loving people, to whom I owe an incredible amount to.
I caused them grief, grief to this day I regret, and the regret to members here....the cruel things I have said, I hope that you can forgive me for that in time. I've done a lot of bad and a lot of good in my life, the balance is paradoxical. I've done slews of drugs, I've beaten people up, I've had abortions, and in the process only degraded myself. I knew my actions were wrong, but I refused to take responsibility for them.
How odd then that a few members on this board, last night, forced me to take a good hard look at who I am. SamAKALiz was right...she has more than me. A loving husband. A comfortable home, a job she loves. And all the things that I have that are showy and tasteful mean nothing when there is an emptiness within your soul that cannot be quelled by wealth, inheritance, beauty, or even polystone LOL.
My purpose to writing this is so that you will learn to know who I am. Not the DarkSyren who rages on or says crazy things or posts butt pictures. And yes, that is really me. And yes, my beauty will fade. What will remain is what I must work on and nurture...a likeable persona. Fitness has been my saving grace because I found I enjoy making people FEEL GOOD about themselves. When they feel good, so do I.
I know many things I have posted might sound unbelievable or not credible, but they are very true. I am a person of great contradiction...I weep at the death of a beloved pet, but I could care less about some people who die terrible deaths. I know that shoving the fact in members' faces that "YEAH I CAN AFFORD TO BUY ALL THIS POLYSTONE AND YOU CAN'T'" certainly alienated me further from members.
And to the members here as well...and on Shadow and Flame...your online friendship and the joy of sharing interest in collecting have helped me in ways I cannot express to you. How is that possible? I do not know any of you personally. You only know me from my words ( and my pictures LOL)
Now I can't change the first impressions I have made upon you all. I can only hope that with time, to those I have treated cruelly, that you can forgive me. I cannot tell you how much this hobby has meant to me, for it has given me something to look forward to in my life which has been bereft of goals for a long time.
Michelle
I want all the members here to know that you are all very valuable friends to me, even though we have never met in person, or spoken on the phone. Each has their own unique personality that shows through their words and actions on the board. I feel I know some of you very well, and I think many of you know me, but only the outside image that I have unfairly projected on some here.
Last night in the chat room, there were three brave members who told me exactly to my face ( well, not to my face, LOL, as this is cyberspace) what they thought of me I retaliated with venom so spiteful and defensive that it was like a spitting cobra. But they did not relent They continued to tell me off, and there were heated insults exchanged from ' obnoxious twat' to 'immature tart' " attention whore", etc, to a lot of other things
And you know what? They're right. One of the members told me that first impressions are the strongest impressions you will make on others, one that is imprinted and that lasts. I regret that my first impression on many of you, some may find it amusing, others found it vulgar, distasteful, and rude. You were also right about that. I have lived my life in such a paradoxical way that it must be apparent to those members here who can see right through my outer defenses. And when attacked with the truth, I obviously can dish out as much @#%$ as someone can take, but I can't take one grain of it myself.
Until the three members forced me to take a look at how my personality was the reason why some disliked me. I cannot be liked by everyone, no one can. And by this open letter here, I do not expect anyone to change their opinion of me, only to have an understanding of who I am.
SamAkaLiz and Eddy( High Elven) both said things to me that hit me so hard I actually threatened to beat up Sam at SDCC.
But Sam's statement that she had more than me and that she was probably happier than me were both very true. Eddy's statement of me being insecure was also true. And what did I do? Post his private message, getting me banned from Shadow and Flame, and cruelly degrade Sam, no matter if she laughed about it or not, said hurtful things to her.
In truth, a person may look at me on the outside...the image I present...a fit, beautiful woman ( not beautiful to everyone, but to some) who drives a nice car, has a beautiful home, can afford to buy anything she wants. But those things are TRANSITORY and MEANINGLESS, and all my life, I have tried to fill the unhappiness within me that was always somehow there. I cannot explain that. I grew up spoiled and sheltered, never having to lift a finger to do an ounce of work. My father and mother are both wonderful, loving people, to whom I owe an incredible amount to.
I caused them grief, grief to this day I regret, and the regret to members here....the cruel things I have said, I hope that you can forgive me for that in time. I've done a lot of bad and a lot of good in my life, the balance is paradoxical. I've done slews of drugs, I've beaten people up, I've had abortions, and in the process only degraded myself. I knew my actions were wrong, but I refused to take responsibility for them.
How odd then that a few members on this board, last night, forced me to take a good hard look at who I am. SamAKALiz was right...she has more than me. A loving husband. A comfortable home, a job she loves. And all the things that I have that are showy and tasteful mean nothing when there is an emptiness within your soul that cannot be quelled by wealth, inheritance, beauty, or even polystone LOL.
My purpose to writing this is so that you will learn to know who I am. Not the DarkSyren who rages on or says crazy things or posts butt pictures. And yes, that is really me. And yes, my beauty will fade. What will remain is what I must work on and nurture...a likeable persona. Fitness has been my saving grace because I found I enjoy making people FEEL GOOD about themselves. When they feel good, so do I.
I know many things I have posted might sound unbelievable or not credible, but they are very true. I am a person of great contradiction...I weep at the death of a beloved pet, but I could care less about some people who die terrible deaths. I know that shoving the fact in members' faces that "YEAH I CAN AFFORD TO BUY ALL THIS POLYSTONE AND YOU CAN'T'" certainly alienated me further from members.
And to the members here as well...and on Shadow and Flame...your online friendship and the joy of sharing interest in collecting have helped me in ways I cannot express to you. How is that possible? I do not know any of you personally. You only know me from my words ( and my pictures LOL)
Now I can't change the first impressions I have made upon you all. I can only hope that with time, to those I have treated cruelly, that you can forgive me. I cannot tell you how much this hobby has meant to me, for it has given me something to look forward to in my life which has been bereft of goals for a long time.
Michelle
you never did me any harm. 
